tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 8, 2010 12:05am-1:05am EDT
and time now for tonight's closing argument. as you saw at the top of the show, florida pastor terry jones has a plan to burn korans on 9/11. and this has created a tremendous ripple effect. the leaders of american foreign policy, including the secretary of state and one of the nation's top generals are comments on the actions of this tiny congregation. so, we ask you, should jones back down? did he make his point or does his american right to express himself by burning a book trump all other considerations? tell us what you think at the "nightline" facebook page or on the "nightline" page at abc news.com. while you are there, some lighter fare, as well. we announced the finalists in the people's plate list competition. our search was guided by the belief that the country is full
of kun sung culinary heros, a fate that was hardly rewarded by the finalists. now, we want you to get involved by viewing their videos online at abcnews.com/nightline. vote for your favorite. and the winner will be subject to a national feature and may comp you dessert. that's all for us tonight. good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about held and shoulders shampoo. when i think about hair and football and i often do, only one name comes to mind. troy polamalu. head and shoulders likes his thick mane so much, they took out a $1 million insurance policy on it. seriously. football is a full contact game. >> back to pass. intercepted by polamalu! he beats one defender. and another! one man to beat! >> hi, mr. troy polamalu.
i'm going to tackle you, but first, let me say how full and thick your hair is. what's the secret? >> head and shoulders hair indurns for men shampoo. it cleans to give you fuller, thicker hair in one week guaranteed. >> oh, okay. now,ly tackle you. >> go ahead, my hair's insured. >> he's at the 20, the 10 -- touchdown, steelers! you know we're not on the same team, right? >> it's okay, mr. troy. >> dicky: head and shoulders hair endurance for men. fuller, thicker hair in one week guarantee. visit troyshair.com to win an awesome trip to super bowl xlv. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with donal logue, music from scissor sisters and andre agassi.
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>> jimmy: hi, everyone, i'm jimmy. thank you very much. that's very kind. we are -- we are back from our summer vacation. we were off for two weeks. i'm glad to be back at work. i had a terrible break. i terrible -- craigslist pulled all my ads down. went to bed friday night, saturday morning, they're all gone. my whole stable of women, out of work. so that was no good. for many american kids, today was the first day of school. a lot of kids like schools. i don't like that. kids should hate school. when i was a kid, 95% of us hated school. we would pray for soon in las vegas. it was -- now, though, i always ask kids, do you like school, and almost all of them say yes, which means they either lying because i'm an adult or they're getting something we didn't. something better than tater tots.
and i -- let me tell you. my dad told me on the first day of school, i'll never forget, he said, son, just give them to lunch money. [ laughter ] i used to be thin. here in california, 16 of our biggest school districts including the l.a. district, to save money, are skuting the school year by five days. they will save 200 million does by -- they are also cutting, i think, eight days of air traffic control at l.a.x., which should save, like, $80 million, assuming everything goes okay. the man behind the cuts is our governor, arnold schwarzenegger. he's been forced to cut the budget. he spoke about this at length in his weekly california report today. >> this is governor arnold schwarzenegger with another california report. thanks to budget cuts, in california, we've been forced to shorten the school year by five days. but is that enough? is that the end of days? no! under my new plan, we will terminate three days of school
week. hasta la vita tuesday, wednesday and thursday. childrens will be free to do more important things, like, hit the gym. pose in a speedo. eat a healthy carrot. shower with friends. or dance, dance, dance! i never went to school, and look at me. i'm the governor! red sonja! [ applause ] >> jimmy: makes a number of excellent points. i think we ought to get rid of school all together. why spend all this time educating the kids when there aren't enough jobs for us. we're training the competition. they have to go. a lot of schools have new lunch men europes featuring healthy food. our kids are enormously fat. they are very, very fat. and if you are a student at indian hill elementary school in
ohio, here's what the cafeteria staff will be serving up this week. >> hey, this is lunch lady uncle frank. here is this week's lunch menu for indian hill elementary school in ohio. monday, flame broiled cheeseburger. tuesday, mini corn dogs and steamed broccoli. wednesday, beef meat sauce with spiral rotini and mixed fruit cup. thursday, whole grain quesadilla. friday, pizza day and pineapple tidbuilts, but no sloppy joes. you know why! [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: you look good in a hair net. you should wear that around. i spent much of the day yesterday and sunday as i
usually do on labor day weekend watching jerry lewis. when i was a kid growing up, the telethon was a very big deal. in the '70s, jerry lewis, tony orlando, norm crosby, charro, barry man any low, jack jones. it's still them, and i love it. jerry raised almost $60 million for the fight against muscular discrow if i. he's 86, but that does not mean he isn't still, shall we say, active. >> since '75, i can't eat a half an egg without half of it on my shoulder and on my fly and into my shoes. i don't understand -- i do understand no hanky-panky anymore. i have wonderful porno stuff that i watch a lot. >> jimmy: sex sells, i guess.
and by the way, i want to -- if i could get serious for a second, what happened to the real tote board music? it used to be, they play eed wh the world needs now is love sweet love. i don't know what that is. i demand an investigation. i don't know who i'm demanding it from, but i want one. here's something else i want to investigate. there's a kid on the cbs early show. he talks like a middle aged wedding planner. he does movie reviews, and, well, here's jackson from yesterday, sharing his sassy thoughts on the movie "prince of pers ya." >> coming out on dvd. you are taking a look for it. first of all, "prince of persia" -- >> the sands of time! big action star. it's more of a bust than blockbuster. it's really a combination of what other action movies have
shown. >> you almost fell asleep? >> i did. and i kept thinking to myself, would walt disney want to put his name on something like this? no! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my -- where is al qaeda when you need them? mr. rogers would give that kid a wedgie. paris hilton was arrested while we were on vacation, which is very incon sid rakoconsiderate . she was arrested on possession of cocaine. you can't arrest her for that. like arresting bill cosby for eating jell-o pudding. paris said the purse wasn't hers and that she thought what turned out to be cocaine was gum. and i know a lot -- i believe she probably just stumbled into a bad situation. i also think she pains way too much for gum. here's the thing. this is a good lesson for kids. purses are for dugogs, not drug.
maybe those were tinker bell's drugs. that would explain the trail of fairy dust every time he goes -- have you heard about these miners in chile? 33 miners have been trapped underground for more than a month. two weeks ago, they drilled down and found them. there they are, all fine. they won't be able to get them out for two months, but they're okay, because they are able to get food and water down there, through a four-inch tube. they have a tube running down to the bottom and they send things down. they have experts from nasa there providing advice, i guess, and the pope sent them rosaries he blessed. and the mineers have been sending dirty jokes up the tube. i like that. the pope sends them rosary beads, they send back dirty jokes. the world's been watching this. there are cameras in the mine. we sent guillermo to chile to cover this for us.
they've been sending him -- hola, guillermo. >> oh, hi, jimmy! >> jimmy: what are you doing there? you looking for a joke? >> yeah, i see one coming up now. >> jimmy: okay. all right. great. so -- you're the only one there, huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's surprising. think they'd have a whole team there. you know? >> no. only me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. i guess they put the joke in a bottle, huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right, well, go ahead and read it. >> ready? >> jimmy: yeah. >> a man called 911 and say, please call an ambulance. my son has swallowed a condom. five minutes later, he called 911 again and say, it is okay, i found another one.
>> jimmy: that's good. well, thank you, guillermo. that's guillermo live from chile. [ applause ] they would write the joke in english, seems odd to me, but -- in happy news, rodney king has announced that he will marry one of the jurors from the trial that awarded him millions of dollars in damages from the city of los angeles. he just hasn't picked which juror yet, but -- isn't that something? she really took that can't we just get along thing very seriously. he' engaged to juror number five for real, no wedding date has been set yet. but if judge ito doesn't preside over this, there's something very wrong with this town. rodney king will officially not be our next bachelor. i hope it works out. divorce is very common in the united states. more than 100% of marriaged end in divorce or death. but divorce is not very common in japan, until recently, i
guess. and they have an unusual way of commemorating the unhappy occasion, according to headline news. >> this couple in japan, you can see, they smashed the diamond and gold wedding rings at what is now being called a divorce ceremony. a planner says the ceremonies are becoming more popular because it's a way for families to start a new life and offer some closure. divorce is still a social taboo in japan. >> jimmy: where is wearing a large plastic fish on your head isn't. toshi, you're from japan. you're a guitar player. explain your people. >> i think my people are going crazy. >> jimmy: they're going crazy? >> yeah. >> jimmy: let's go back to guillermo in chile. guillermo? are you -- do you have another joke? >> yes, hold on. it's coming. >> jimmy: all right. we'll just wait right here. not much tension -- a lot of slack in that rope.
>> i know. >> jimmy: all right. all right. go ahead and read that to us. >> okay. long one, huh? >> oh, yeah. >> ready? >> jimmy: yeah. >> a woman has a garden and he tomatoes won't get ripe. no matter what she does, she goes to her neighbor and say, my tomatoes won't get ripe. what should i do? her neighbor say, well, tonight, run around your garden naked and the tomatoes will get embarrassed and blush. >> jimmy: okh. >> they will turn red. the night, the woman run around the garden naked. the next morning, the neighbor asks how it went, and the woman say, so-so. the tomatoes are still green. but the cucumbers have grown
four inches. >> jimmy: oh, all right. funny miners. [ applause ] cue come berps have grown four inches. thank you, guillermo. we have a good show tonight. from "terriers," donal logue is here. music tonight from scissor sisters. and we'll be right back with andre agassi, so stick around. ♪ let's take a look at the stats. mini has more than double the fiber and whole grain... making him a great contender in this bout... against mid-morning hunger. honey nut cheerios is coming in a little short. you've got more whole grain in your little finger! let's get ready for breakfaaaaaaaaaast! ( ding, cheering, ringing )
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>> jimmy: hi there. i missed you. wonderful to see you again. with us tonight, the very talented and talkative donal logue is here. then, later on, music from -- this is their third album, it's called "night work." scissor sisters from the bud light stage. later this week, diane sawyer, terry bradshaw, music from ray
la mon tan. set your dvd players or whatever for that. our first guest tonight is one of the greatest american tennis players ever. exceptionally dedicated philanthropist. a mull let survivor and the author of one of the best auto biographies i've ever read, it's called "open." please welcome andre agassi! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm excited to meet you. we never met before. both grew up in las vegas. you're funny. >> jimmy: oh, thank you. i'm a big fan. i really am. we followed you, cleto and i, many years, we would root for
you. i was shocked when i found out that your hair wasn't real, i mean -- but this book is fantastic. i really -- i have to say, i think i've sold, like, 11 of them to my friends because -- you have to read this book. it's so -- i mean, i assume it's honest. if it isn't, you made up some crazy things about yourself. >> it is very honest. but it's honest because it turns a harsh lens on myself. >> jimmy: it sure does. >> than took me three years, a few thousands hours, i'm up to a nickel an hour. not enough fishing weight to make a living. >> jimmy: a lot went into this. and boy, your dad -- i always knew your dad was a demanding guy when you were in the crib practically threw you onto the court, but your dad -- it's hard to believe that he exists. >> yeah. i mean, it's like -- he's a fictional character. you took him into a mu view studio with a script, they would say, okay, you have to make this somewhat believable.
good-bye, i'm knot going to validate your parking ticket. >> jimmy: it's over the top. your dad -- well, the first thing, one of the first things he did was built this tennis cannon to fire balls at you at all times. >> yeah. we had a few rules in the house. one of which is, you wake up, you play tennis. you brush your teeth, in that order, period. and the morning started facing what i refer to in the book as the dragon it was this machine that sucked the ball up into its neck and threw it out like the kid in "willy wonka and the chocolate factory." stood behind me, pushed me close to the baseline and didn't let me leave and essentially taught me how to take the ball early. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, he sure did. and you would prefer to be doing other things at this time? >> well, i think so. i was a baby of four. i felt the weight of the world.
>> jimmy: your dad -- >> i watched tennis play an interesting role in the dynamic of the family. it came with a heavy load. >> jimmy: another story is about jim brown, the hall of famer, nfl hall of famer, playing at cesar's palace -- >> at my racket club. he was looking for a money match. and my dad walked in, overhears him, say, i'll play you for money. he goes, you don't look like a tennis player. no, no, no, my son, 9 years old. i only play for a lot of money. my dad says, okay, i'll play you for my house. he said, i don't need a house. how about 10,000? so i'm looking up at my dad, like, oh, my god, he worked two jobs and didn't believe in banks. his bank with a mattress underneath that he slept on with the rifle next to it, right? he says, show me the money and i'll play. he goes home to get the money and i'm sitting there with jim brown, sizing me up, going, you know --
>> jimmy: he left you with jim? >> he left me at the club. we end up, the club owner talked jim brown out of it, because he said, you're going to lose, don't play this kid. and jim brown concluded, i'd pay $500 to see that. he bet me 500, and it was a positive day in the right direction for our family. >> jimmy: maybe so. but i guess -- was that your first purse? >> yeah, somehow my agent took 100% of that one. >> jimmy: oh, yareally? >> my father got all of that one. >> jimmy: and you dad didn't go to many of your matches. >> he never believed in that, because he was always, for two reasons, because he didn't feel like getting into a fight, and he was going to get into a fight if he went. he was a boxer. secondly, he thought he made me nervous and he was partly right about that. he showed up one day when i'm playing pete in the finals -- >> jimmy: pete sampras -- >> the first match that he came to, and he decides i'm going to drive 3 1/2 hours to palm springs and watch.
so, he walks through the ticket booth, doesn't think he needs a ticket, that's my son. i'm going to go stand and watch. security comes, all this mayhem goes on. the tournament director says, mr. agassi, please, here, i got you a great ticket, here is your seat. right behind the court, front row. i'm talking about, like, if pete is serving the ball, i'm looking at him, like, and there's my dad, right? i don't notice him when i'm out there except at this one point when pete is serving at 30-30,/130-30, 30-330-30 -- 15-40, break point. he goes to serve and a phone starts ringing in the audience. pete does his normal thing. he sticks his tongue out of his mouth, goes into his -- and he's about to serve and the phone rings, so, he shakes it off, he does his thing, goes through the routine, and the phone rings again. so, he walks back to the towel, he dries off, comes back to the line, about to serve.
phone goes again and pete turns around and screams, "hey, are you going to answer your phone?" everybody hears it. and i'm looking from the other end and i see nobody and all of a sudden my dad's head pops up and he goes, "it's my f-ing phone, i'm answer it if i damn well please. kiss my ass." [ applause ] so, i don't have any idea my dad is even in the audience. so pete, and my dad -- pete looks here, he looks over to me, he goes, that's your dad! we grew up together, you know, so it was -- it took me awhile to shake that one off. >> jimmy: i would think so. who won that match? >> oh, i did. >> jimmy: there you go. now, do your kids -- how old are your kids? >> next month, my son turns 9 and my daughter turns 7.
>> jimmy: and your wife is the greatest female tennis player of all time, stefi graf. you would think that naturally the kids, you would want them -- maybe you wouldn't, i guess, play tennis, though. >> it's a big gene pool out there. you haven't met the rest of the family, so -- no, you know what it is, as a parent, the first decision you make for your kids is, how am i going to define success? for myself as a parent, and for my child. and part of that success is going to be us sort of experiencing life with them. and knowing a road so intimately that we both have known and lived, i just always feel like we'll be sort of a step ahead of what they're experiencing, and, you know, that compromises the beauty. we hope they don't choose it but we believe in nurturing them. my daughter plays twice a week. my son is totally into baseball. >> jimmy: and how does your dad feel about that? >> he likes it, because he -- if
i could do everything all over again, i would onto change one thing. i wouldn't let you play tennis. it would be baseball or golf. >> jimmy: that's the only thing he would change? >> and so i said, that's interesting, why? and he says, because you can play longer and make more money. so i said, fair enough, pop. >> jimmy: wow, wow. and your dad. your dad hasn't read the book? >> no. >> jimmy: he's not? >> he said, i was there, what i do need to read it for? >> jimmy: you think that's the real reason that he hasn't read it or you think he might be -- it might be tough for him? >> you know, i don't. i think he's pretty simple. i got to a point in my life, i stopped worrying about changing anybody and spent my time doing more understanding, and so i find myself trying really hard to understand him. >> jimmy: i found myself doing that when inread the boo read t. you do great things in vegas, you have a school there and a foundation. >> i started it when i was 23 years old and i, you know,
helped clothe kids and doing things. quickly came to realize i was reacting to a lot of problems and not being proactive. the only way to change was to educate. and i felt like i had a lack of education in my life. with education comes hope and options, choices. you don't find yourself waking up in a life that you find yourself in. you can choose it. so, i said, what about the kids that aren't good at something and they don't have education and choice and the life they're waking up with means jail or prison? i built a k through 12 public charter school and the goal was really simple. in a state that graduates 50th in the united states, i wanted to supply resources, i wanted to have accountability with the resources and i wanted to deliver that to the children that society is so quick to write off. i wanted to say, what would happen? so, we had two graduating classes. i've been doing this for 12 years now and 100% of our graduates are onto universities,
so -- >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> really cool. >> jimmy: 100% is pretty good. i could talk to you about this for three hours and the story of when your dad met stefi graf's dad is one of the greatest i've ever heard. you can read all about it. the book is called "open." andre agassi, everybody. we'll be right back with donal logue. folks, applebee's 2 for 20 is better than ever this season.
you did a movie about tennis. >> i did. "tennis anyone" that's out there somewhere -- >> jimmy: did you meet andre? >> i did backstage. i had a one-month spell while i was doing tennis commentary for the tennis channel. >> jimmy: you always struck me as a tennis announcer. >> yeah, i know. but i had that kind of weird knowledge of the game, i used to play. they flew me up to sacramento. they play world team tennis. andre is playing. i was impressed by. he flies in by helicopter and they keep saying after the thing, you're going to get to interview andre. it's all -- i'm set up, totally set up. and so the match is over and he's walking back and i'm like, andre, donal logue with the tennis chance. i bet heismaned so completely. he's on a helicopter. a little bit like beavis and butthead, that guy runs over
their bikes and you have hearts flying over your head. that was awesome how he blew me off. i wasn't even human. i wasn't standing there and speaking to him. addressing him by name. >> jimmy: if you were andre, you wouldn't stop for you. >> not at all. >> jimmy: are you good? >> i'm fairly good, yeah. >> jimmy: do you play in the celebrity tournaments? >> yeah, i have a friend, kirk fox, who i did "the patriot" with, and that's how we came up with the idea of the tennis movie. he's like, you have to get in on that. and like most people who go to charity events, they're like, it's great. they fly you there for free, it's a charity event, man. why are you trying to get stuff out of it? and they're all demanding extra things, free rackets and stuff. we go to this thing and i'm playing judge wapner from "the people's court." he's still alive. he's 128. and he serves like, it's insane what he does. so, we start to play and my
friend kirk's out in the little crowd and so, you know, i serve, i don't put a lot of heat on it. i ace him clearly, it's this far in, right down the line and judge wapner says, just wide. and i was like, what? and you can tell so much about a human being -- they call lines in tennis. kirk says from the audience, "how many innocent men did you have fry in the electric chair, judge wapner? [ bleep ]. that was two feet in." like, the most heinous -- >> the judge rules over his court with an iron fist. >> exactly, exactly. >> jimmy: that's great. who won that match? >> wapner, man. bloody -- >> jimmy: you got wapner-ed. i watched the show last night -- >> because you are friends with sean ryan. >> jimmy: he, he sent me the episodes. i imagine you're out doing your
part promoting it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: sufficiently? >> yeah, started at 5:00 this morning. it's been like that for a few days. my friend was getting married, god, when, i don't even know, and that's part -- my friend is getting married in the middle of this. he's like, you have to be there. i'm like, okay, i'll be there, so, i rallied, i drove, i found this place in eagle rock and i rushed in -- and i was there for about 40 minutes before i realized i was at the wrong wedding. totally, right place, wrong day. >> jimmy: 40 minutes? >> and i've lost contact with him, so i was like, god, his friends have changed or i don't know many of his friends. he's from mass, he's incredibly liberal. he would have a totally different -- i kept trying to do the math and i realized, finally, the math was wrong. wrong wedding. >> jimmy: did you leave or --
>> i stayed for awhile. because i was so embarrassed. it's so -- if you walk in, you go, ah, it so clear you're the moron -- >> jimmy: did you have the wrong address? >> the right place. just the wrong day. >> jimmy: oh, i see. >> it was -- you know, who gets married on the sunday before labor day? which he did. so i went saturday and then i went back sunday and everyone had a good laugh. >> jimmy: i hope you sent both couples a gift. >> yeah, the first wedding, it was my ex-wife. it was really awkward. no accident. >> jimmy: how is the family? >> fantastic. fantastic. >> jimmy: still running around with the boys? firing weapons and stuff? >> yeah, we -- we haven't been up into oregon for awhile because i've been working in canada, but i just moved to calabasas, which if you are not from l.a., it's a town that's kind of out there -- >> jimmy: it's far away. >> part of it is, hey, i want the good school district, public schools for my kids, so, i
fought hard to get and get a place in the district and get them registered at this school called a.e. wright. my son fin is the most redheaded kid of all time and i discovered this was famous last year for having kick a ginger day where they arrested five kids for beating the hell out of redheaded kids. and i started having fantasies on the first day, like, i wanted to find out who they were. like, i'm redheaded, dude, you got a problem with me, huh? i wanted -- >> jimmy: that will toughen the boys up. >> yeah. >> jimmy: kid a ginger day. >> they would kick my ass. five 8-year-olds beating the hell out of me. >> jimmy: be careful, will you? sounds like you are headed for disaster. donal logue, everybody. "terri "terriers" tomorrow night on fx at 10:00. check it out. we'll be right back with music
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>> jimmy: this is their new album, it's called "night work." here with the song "any which wa way," scissor sisters. ♪ ♪ dancing on the speakers are you peaking with the tweakers ♪ ♪ the bigots and the breeders on the scene ♪ ♪ the night don't last forever so get your -- together ♪ ♪ open arms are never what they seem ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ i don't need a doctor just a simple love concocter ♪ ♪ to slide to my side so civilly ♪ ♪ no time a commitment when i receive your shipment ♪ ♪ oh i need express delivery ♪ ♪ any which way any which way ♪ ♪ you better take me any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way ♪ ♪ you better take me any which way you can ♪ ♪ ♪ don't need reservations no identification to give me your relations ♪
♪ sting me like a bee i want you to funk me ♪ ♪ your battleship has sunk me you dip me and you dunk me ♪ ♪ set my body free ♪ any which way any which way ♪ ♪ you better take me any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way ♪ ♪ you better take me any which way you can ♪ ♪ you know baby when i was taking my pantyhose out of their egg this evening ♪ ♪ i thought i'm going to find that man with the right shade of bottle tan ♪ ♪ a man that smells like cocoa butter and cash take me anyway you like it ♪ ♪ in front of the fireplace in front of your yacht in front of my parents ♪ ♪ i don't give a damn baby just take me ♪
♪ any which way any which way any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way you better take me any which way you can ♪ ♪ any which way any which way you better take me any which way you can ♪
>> jimmy: thanks to andre agassi, donal logue. apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "night work" is out now. playing us off the air with the song "whole new day," once again, scissor sisters. ♪ ♪ i gained passage through the border gave my bags straight to the porter ♪ ♪ use my zippo as a guiding light ♪ ♪ i see smoke up on the water said the sailor to the daughter ♪ ♪ well i think i